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Help! I can't decide if I should stay with my bf or leave?

My story is a long one, but I'll try to give the short version here.

of me already thinks I have made a decision, I am just, for whatever reasons, afraid to admit it. I have been with my bf for 4.5 years, I am 24 and he is 25. I am in law school and he has yet to leave community college. Normally, that fact alone wouldn't bother me, except he has no motivation to do anything in life and has stated over and over that he has no idea what he wants to do/be. Every idea I give him is shot down in a negative way.

he does for the last year is work and play video games. He keeps saying he is going to apply to San Marcos State, but has yet to do so and several deadlines have come and gone. He was supposed to do Mesa College this semester (which is almost over), but forgot to apply, then was gonna so a short semester starting in October, but didn't save any money. I told him months ago to apply for the FAFSA to get free money since he is 24 now, and he failed to do so. I asked him why last night and he just said “I dunno”. Anyways, I wouldn't really be bothered by that except that we have been living together for a little over a year now and I expect marriage after dating for 3 years and living together for 1 year, but he says his only goal right now in life is to graduate college.

he's not even working towards that! I am an extremly motivated person, and it bothers me to no end the fact that he is so lazy and unmotivated. I try to encourage him or show him how to apply for the fafsa, for example (I even started an account for him!) but he still failed to follow through with it.

is typical of his life though, in that his parents STILL pay for everything of his (phone, car payment, insurance) and school (up until recently, since he stopped going full time). And on top of that they still give him around $300/ month, and on top of all that, he still manages to have no money to pay for community college. Because of the way he has become, and because of the fact that were not even close to getting married, I think a big part of me has starting resenting him. Lately, things have been so hostile around our place, we barely speak, and we bicker about almost everything. I can't hardly stand him anymore, I find his traits are becoming increasingly irritating and I am not really attracted to him. I mean, I think he is cute, but I cannot become aroused, and I think its because things are so bad outside the bedroom. It makes me even madder when he thinks he doesn't have to compliment me or talk to me or kiss me or touch me at all outside the bedroom, but then is confused when I don't want to hook up! Ugh. Also, we have talked about marriage many times, and each time he gets super defensive and says its not on his schedule for any time soon, but that he does plan on it “someday”. Well, someday is here for me.

now I find myself thinking if he did propose tonight, would I even say yes? And my answer is usually “NO”, and that scares the crap outta me, like why am I still with him? I have always always always had a boyfriend and I think I'm scared to be alone.

I've spent almost 5 years since I was 20 with the same guy and he is all I know, and all of our families love eachother, and we have a dog and an apartment and great friends. I just don't even know how to begin to leave that. I've never been in such a serious relationship where I wanted marriage sooo badly, but now I'm beginning to think that he is not ready, and I want to move on and find someone who is emotionally available and much more mature in life.

anyone been through this or experienced what I'm feeling? Any advice? PS, I've looked into couples counseling, and my insurance doesn't cover it (or personal counseling) and we don't have that kind of money to spend, plus, I've tried to talk to him before about what therapy teaches you about how to communicate (you only use “I” statements, and you repeat what the other said to gain mutual understanding, etc), and he laughed in my face and said he would rather have NO communication or POOR communication then practice that “physco-babble bull sh*t), so I think counseling is out of the question. Which, to me, is just another reason why he isn't ready to be in the type of relationship I want (a serious, deeply committed one)

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One Response »

1. Jess on October 12th, 2008 at 3:39 am:

   As a therapist (intern) and engaged woman, I wouldn't recommend couples counseling in this situation. It sounds like you might benefit from individual counseling to help you deal with the loneliness, but if your insurance doesn't pay then just support yourself as best as you can. Typically, you want to enter into marriage with someone who is extremely well-matched for you, and then later try to deal with whatever compromises come up. As they say, “Go into marriage with your eyes wide open, then go through marriage with your eyes half shut.” In other words, this is not the time to be compromising and going into couples therapy. It's the time to be paying VERY CLOSE ATTENTION to everything you notice about each other and the relationship, and being honest with yourself about those things, and leaving the relationship when it's obviously not working. As I did myself so many times before my current wonderful relationship, it's so common for us as women to want to get married no matter what.

   guy could be half-dead with no pulse and we'd still want to see them at the altar tomorrow! This isn't about your love for him, it's about your love for the idea of being in a committed relationship.

   is a healthy, normal need. It's just not going to be fulfilled for as long as the number of days you remain in this relationship.

   let's be honest. if you think leaving someone with a dog and an apartment is hard, how about leaving them when you have 3 kids and a house payment together? Since it's obvious that this relationship isn't giving you what you need okay, he's cute and you have a lot of memories together, but he's also got a completely different work ethic, relationship priorities, and communication skills (EEK!! EACH ONE OF THOSE WOULD BE A HUGE PROBLEM ON IT'S OWN!!), let's be honest. It isn't about knowing whether he's a good match for you.

   already know the answer to that. It's whether you really believe in yourself and your ability to attract love, your ability to find someone that is so amazing for you that you pinch yourself every morning, someone who wants to be with you all the time and doesn't want to change you one bit, someone that you respect so much your heart hurts with pride, someone that makes you feel better about yourself and better about the world all at once, someone who keeps the loneliness away, someone who you without a shadow of a doubt is right for you.

   I'm pretty sure that there's a part of you that thinks that this this guy, this situation, these circumstances are all that you can hope for. So I'm here to remind you (as I know the little voice inside of you already knows) LOVE IS OUT THERE.

   ARE GOING TO FIND IT.

   DO DESERVE IT.

   WILL FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

   get out there and break that lease, girl!! We're rooting for you!

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